| wow |
[23 May 2004|12:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nada...on the phone |
] |
yeh i havent wrote in madd long. i dont really feel like a complete update at the moment.
so yesterday was interesting....brandi and i had been talking and shit. but u know as soon as tom signs on she just changes completely. i dont really care, i just hate that she thinks she can fuck wit my emotions like that. w/e tho, its my fault too. i shouldnt have made the mistake of wanting her back in my life. i was all happy and shit. im jus gunna move on.
then last nite, i went out. took 2 stix, drank a 12. and i was completely incoherent. i dont remember anything. my mom had to tell me this morning who i was on the phone with and that i called brandi madd times. fuck, i shouldnt have done that. anyway. yeh. i did sum other stupid shit but i dont feel like saying it and getting judged.
today, i think im gunna go to the beach and chill wit some people, so that should be chill.
im working on a new journal at the moment so you can IM me on borderx13 and i will give you the link to the new one. peace
|
|
| boooooooooooredddd...... |
[10 May 2004|04:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mtv |
] |
im so fuken bored. brandi called me when she got home.....drunk. shes out now. i think im gunna see her tonite at a meeting. she wore a dress today.........damnn.
anyway, yeh i miss her. she promised me she wouldnt hu with anyone so i trust her. shes the only thing on my mind rite now so ima stop writing. peace
|
|
| now theres beef...... |
[10 May 2004|01:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 enthralled |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
noooooooope |
] |
i just get home from the docter and theres a message on my answering machine from my boy chris. so i call him back. his mom called bridge and told howie everything that happened about the fight and how we were drinking. neal admits to punching me and shit, however he says i was the only person drinking and all this other shit and how i deserved it. not telling them he was also drinking and he had opened his mouth and said some shit first. i hate fuken snitches. hes just trying to save his own ass. so tomorrow when i go in, i dont the rite thing to do. should i just take the blame for everyone drinking, or tell them neal was drinking too and how he drove there and drove home....hmmmmm. i dont know if they are going to terminate me because they said i only had once chance there. i was just gunna let the whole fight thing go but now, theres beef and sumthing needs to be done.
on the other hand, i just got home from the docter, i dont have strep or anything even though my throat really hurts. i am feeling a lil bit better but now im heated. fuck it
|
|
| ahhhh |
[10 May 2004|07:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i cant i have such a headache! |
] |
its madd early. i tried to get up for school today. i showered and changed and the ntook my temp. i had 102.5. damn. i couldnt sleep at all last nite.i was cold but i was sweating. im gunna need to go to the docter today.
i wanted to go in today because if i dont everyone is goimg to think im a pussy and afraid of neal. which i am not. my head is bleeding. shit. no one is home. im madd bored. i miss brandi. i wonder if shes gunna kiss anyone today. anyway fuck it ill write later when im not feeling like such ass. bye
|
|
| sundays.... |
[09 May 2004|05:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 grumpy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nooooope |
] |
brandi fixed my journal for me and made it all cool. thanks babe. im madd bored. i jus got off the phone with her. mothers day is always whack. my head hurts. i really want some painkillers but i shouldnt take them. i really wanna see brandi. it sux only being able to see her on wed and thurs for liek an hour. well i hope things will get better. shes not wit tom anymore. i really wonder how she feels about me and if she lost any feelings for me. i know how i feel about her, so i wish i knew how she felt.
anyway.........i think my mom had a good mothers day so good for her. ive been miserable this whole fuken weekend, cause of my eye and other shit. w/e tho. i hope brandi is happy. i hope she doesnt miss tom. alright thats it, i dont really have anything intresting to write. so im out.
|
|
| wow |
[09 May 2004|10:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nandazzz |
] |
yeh i havent written in a long time. i said i wasnt gunna write anymore but i need to. on wed brandi fought this girl from my new rehab. i dont know if it was over me but i think it was. it makes me feel really special in some sick way. she kiked her ass lol go brandi. that nite she said to me if i break up wit tom will u go back out with me. and i said yes. i love her. i want to be with her. ok yeh so on thurs it was jus a normal boring day. lucielle was bitching to everyone how much her head hurts and shit. hahahaha. then friday comes...
some of us go back to this kid chris' house after rehab. i wanted him to get assid for me, thats y i went. everyone starts drinking doing dustoff and shit. then someone says sumthing to me about brandi and got me mad but i knew it wasnt true so i jus responded with, ur girlfriends a slut so w/e. we fought. i come out with a huge black eye. so friday sucked. i went out that nite. brandi was mad at me. and i understand why now. so that was my nite/day. fucken sucked nuts. yesterday i went out for a lil bit and chilled wit glak. we jus drove around talked. i got dustoff. lol. i made him do it. he liked it but said he would never do it again.
now today is mothers day. im talking to brandi. im not really sure whats going on with us. i want to go to a meeting tonite so i can see her. on the other hand one of my boys just told me he got 50 o.c.'s but fuck that. im done wit pills. my gpa's are coming over today. they are all gunna ask about my eye. fucken shit dude. well i guess thats it for now, jus wanted to give u an update of my boring life. and they are here now! ahhh!
|
|
| alllrighty. |
[03 May 2004|04:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
porno star. |
] |
today was weird. i was madd tired all day. i kept falling asleep at bridge. they didnt take a urine from me today soo yay! and i stole one of those instant tests to see if there is anything in my system, ill do that later. this kid didnt bring me in the assid today so i think im gunna have to go wit him to his town tomorrow and get some if i really want it. i do. lol. i hate lunch at bridge cause i dont go out cause im a loser or if i do go get food, i jus bring it back. but the programs not that bad so w/e. brandi said i am Mr. Tips. so i guess the tips sn means she loves me lol. i just got home from doing sum shit. i think im gunna shower and go out. im really bored. it sux its rainy and shitty out. i dno if im gunna make a meeting tonite, prolly not. i dno if brandi is still mad at me. i havent spoken to her. alright well its time to shower. ill write when i get home. peace.
|
|
| weekends over.... |
[02 May 2004|09:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
im watchin punk'd |
] |
today i felt madd weird all day cause of that shit last nite. its all good tho. brandi thinks im gunna get caught. i dont.
anyway, this was the first weekend not seeing brandi, and it was weird i guess. im usually with her more than im by myself. i dno, im going to have to get used to it so w/e. i still think about her. and whether or not its better like this or the other way. it doesnt matter tho, so i shouldnt be thinking about it.
i went to a meeting but i got there and i really didnt feel like going for some reason. i dno, weird. meetings upset me now. so i dont like going much anymore.
tomorrow im supposed to get some assid from this kid. im gunna get enough for me glak and brandi. i think were gunna do it on wed. that should be interesting.
i still dont understand a lot of things ive realized. im trying to. a lot of the time i find myslef just sitting and analyzing everything in my head. it drives me insane. i need to stop doing that. i still have a lot of questions for brandi, but she doesnt like questions so fuck it. i guess i wasnt meant to know the answers. anyway im gunna go. i need to shower in a lil bit.
|
|
| strange....strange |
[02 May 2004|11:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
noooope |
] |
ok well last nite i relapsed and found my new love. her name is crystal meth. yeh i didnt go to bed until like 4.
lol. anyway, well i talked to brandi at like 12 i guess it was. i felt like we actually had a real conversation. i dno, it was good to actually talk to her without any of the hostility and shit. i guess shes going out wit tom now. w/e. today i have to go look for a job. i need money. lol. yeh i dno what else im gunna do today. ill write later. oh yeh btw, i got outta the shower just before and i looked at the clock. it was so bugged out, it said 12 12. thats crazy. i dno, shit like that makes me think. w/e im out.
|
|
| acceptance |
[01 May 2004|02:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
it sux im still home on a saturday.
yeh i do remember the convo with brandi, it has come back. i wish i didnt. she says that i make her feel guilty. well she shouldnt feel unless she really is. i dont even to it on purpose. she is already in love with tom. thats crazy. she def didnt love me. my profile wasnt meant for her unless she hurt me on purpose. it should have ended rite when she cheated on the first time. and i am grown up. when i was wit her i couldnt be, she made me bug and shit like that. when there is no trust i cant be mature. i have come to the conclusion that she jus played me. i didnt wanna believe it before. but now i do. but im not mad, i just learned that i can never let girls get the best of me. no matter how well u treat them it doesnt even matter. she knows i would do anything for her and just used it against me. w/e tho, life goes on. shes in love. good for her she found a person that easily. i know she is gunna read this and its not to put her on a guilt trip and im not being mean. i gotta go ill write more later.
|
|
| fuken weird.... |
[30 Apr 2004|07:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
went to rehab today, ust like every other day. we get out early on fridays so thats chill. brandi called me when i got home, which was surprising. she wanted to chill. so i went to see her. being in her house was kinda strange. i acted weird. she was jus out of it. she still looks madd good. damnnnn. we fucked. it was good sex, i think it was cause i wasnt that worried about hurting her (physically) as i used to be. i mean i didnt wanna hurt her, but i figured if it hurt she would tell me, i didnt have to make sure. i dno, its weird. anyway yeh, my mom called her crib drunk as hell. and made her feel like shit. i felt bad for her. she doesnt need that shit. im madd tired, i dont even wanna go out tonite. im not gunna make a meeting. she was all upset before, that wasnt my intentional at all. it doesnt matter now tho, cause tom made her feel better. im not gunna understand it. she said she loved me, so why does she still hu wit him? i dno...i will never understand. ok im out now. peace
|
|
| mmmmm |
[29 Apr 2004|09:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hoobastank-the reason |
] |
yeh i jus got home 10 minutes ago. i need to work on my art project so im gunna make this quick. i am sort of confused by brandi's latest journal entry. does she really feel that way? and why doesnt it matter? i dno, its better if i dont think about it so w/e, or else it will eat away ate me. anyway....fuck. i cant go out and have fun without drinking or drugs. it was only possible when...fuck it. its really a problem. this will be the first weekend without chillen wit brandi. its gunna be weird and im going to be clueless on what to do. enough about brandi, i did not want to write about that.
anyway yeh tonite was whack. everyone blazing and shit and drinking and me jus chillen on the couch fuken lonely and shit watching tv. but i did feel good on the way home. my boy and glak said to me, dude were proud of u. (i know its madd corny but w/e) "u had the worst problem wit drugs out of all of us and u have enough will power to jus sit there and not ask for a sip, a hit, a pill, nothing man. Good for you." and that prolly made my day. its good that people can see how hard i try to stay clean. ok well madd other shit is on my mind but i said i would make it quick so maybe after im finished drawing i'll write more.
peace.
|
|
| whatever |
[29 Apr 2004|03:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 refreshed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nada |
] |
ok so good news....i got the ring back last nite. no detail needed on that.
so i told brandi who took it, i thought i could trust her. well i couldnt. she printed out the convo last nite and said she was going to show them. and im the childish one. she always tells me i need to grow up. i was grown up before i was with her. i dont know why but i acted immature when i was with her about stupid shit. idc tho cause im doing better wit that now. so she calls me later that nite when my boys were over and shit and trys to make me feel so terrible. why does she want to make me feel like shit? its so weird. and i know its not even a by accident thing cause she knows how self conscious i am and shit. but it didnt bother me that much, maybe cause my boys were there or w/e but it really didnt. i know she was doing it to hurt me intentionally. that could also be why. she said she hates me and shit. i dno how she can hate me. i was really good to her. i know i was. and i dont hate her. so really tho, how can she hate me? when she said all those things on the phone i kinda jus was like ok w/e, because i know the truth. and when we were together she wouldnt say shit like that. she would be honest so thats why i pretty much just brushed it off.
as for today at bridge.....
there was almost a fite. joey and this kid mike were beefin pretty hard. no punches were thrown or anything.
but it sux cause they kiked out joey. and he was chill, so that sux. i dont know why they kiked him out. w/e tho.
yeh so today is thursday....WHOOOOOO. i'm gunna make a meeting tonite. and tomorrow i get out at like 12 so thats madd chill. and then i can go out on the weekend. i think things are getting better. and i am still clean. ok, ill write later. peace.
|
|
| die....die |
[28 Apr 2004|05:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
i come home and shit just hits the fan. i have never felt so bad for my mother ever i think. i feel like such an asshole even though its not her ring. i talk to one person, ya know, they kinda cheer me up. but then i think brandi makes it a point to make me feel like shit. saying how i have only dragged her down when we were together and shit and how im a dick. do u know how much that hurts. and on top of everything else, i just cant handle it. i really thought i was always good to her. and i tried to be the best boyfriend i could for her. and now she tells me that shit. and says i prolly want her to get in trouble at the program. thats crazy. im in such a shit load of trouble and she goes on with how she is never gunna get out of rehab. i know she hates me and shit, but she said she would always be there if i needed to talk. she prolly meant it at the time, but when it comes down to it, no. this is really my only way to vent cause my friend is working and im really trying not to relapse or cut. i havent had feelings like these in a long time. there was always someone who loved me. my mom, or brandi, atleast one of them and now they both hate me so w/e dude. life sux as brandi would say.
|
|
| wtf |
[28 Apr 2004|04:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
krock |
] |
ok so now my mom thinks the ring i gave to brandi which was stolen is my moms ring. its not true. there is a whole long as story to it, but i am wising up now and i dont trust anyone anymore...with the exception of one person. that person knows what really happened. brandi thinks i lie all the time so theres no point in telling the real story. im really mad, upset, and shit. i wanna use, and cut and all that good shit. im trying not to.
my mother cant even look at me.
|
|
| chillen chillen |
[27 Apr 2004|01:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none...on the phone wit glak |
] |
i just got back from the first day of my new rehab. it was chill. no one beefs with me, not even joey lol. everyone seems pretty chill. i know a few people. i rather be there than glen cove. it is not even as close to as strict. on the other hand, there is a kid there who sells yay and sum other kinda shit. its not a much of a trigger but w/e i tihnk i can do it. i dno what im gunna do today. i wanna see brandi. w/e im out.
|
|
| wtf |
[26 Apr 2004|09:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
wow, i dont like how today went. i want to talk to brandi, shes not online rite now and her phone is busy. i think shes on the phone wit tom. i dont like that. she says im jus buggin, but idno, maybe i am, maybe im not. i hope i am just buggin. i mean wtf, does tom give her sumthing i cant? i dno, i hope i get to talk to her tonite. im out
|
|
| strange...very strange. |
[26 Apr 2004|08:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
today was weird. i went to her house and in her room she had a pic of mike right under mine. that really pissed me off. she didnt seem like she really wanted to be with me. something was wrong with her but she wouldnt tell me what. i dno whats going on with us. my feelings havent changed towards her, but i think hers have.
i went to a meeting tonite. madd boring. tomorrow i tihnk i start my new program.
on the other hand, i really dont like this open relationship thing. i dno, i guess i have to deal with it.
ok im done.
|
|
| back to square 1 |
[26 Apr 2004|10:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
so its monday. and im back on the phone again. trying to get into a program. so i talked to my P.O. and she said i can go to bridge. only if it is ok with howie and if he wants to take me back. i dont know whats going to happen, but i much rather go back to bridge.
on the other hand, today i need to go back up to my high school and hand in my transcript for nassau. one day this week im going back to ASU for therapy and shit. that should be fun.....riiight.
today, i have plans to chill wit brandi. and go to a meeting tonite. i have been staying clean, and its not as hard as i thought. ok thats it for now. i will write later.
|
|
| hmmmmmmmmmm |
[24 Apr 2004|09:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
still none |
] |
so, brandi and I are now in an open relationship. i dont know if i like this. but i have to try. the only reason im concerned is because i dont want her to have feelings for anyone else. i feel like we are already getting further apart. and that is what upsets me. i can handle the fact of her jus h/u with someone else if she really does not have any feelings towards them. i know that if i hu wit anyone, i will feel nothing. i dont even want to hu with anyone. i just really hope that we do go back out soon, and she has the same feelings for me as she once did. the thought of losing her, kills me.....really tho. anyway im gunna go shower. bye.
|
|
| wtf is going on |
[23 Apr 2004|09:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
still none |
] |
ok so, i have no idea wtf is going on...
brandi asks me if we should just be friends so it is easier for both of us? i dont understand. she said she loves me. i know i love her. i hate that she is talking to tom and mike. i hate both of them. i dont know whats going on. im so confused and pissed off. so much shit is going on in my life rite now, and its getting worse now. wtf, y is everything going to shit. me and brandi jus started talking again...spending time with each other again, and now this bullshit. why? does she like tom or mike? i just dont understand. w/e i dont even wanna write. fuck this
|
|
| suxxxx |
[23 Apr 2004|10:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none...phone is ringin off the rack...SHIT |
] |
yeh so, ive been on the phone all fucking morning with my p.o., bridge, mineoloa, glen cove. so fucking stressful. i need to get in a program, im scared to relapse. i really want to go to bridge. my P.O. says she has to think about it because it is not as structured. i was clean for fuken 4 1/2 months damnnit! i can do it for 3 more shit. i talked to howie, he said he needs to talk to her and call back on mon morning. i think he would take me back. at the moment i have no idea where im gunna go.
on the other side....brandis in rehab. i dont like it that im not there to see her. i hope no one is bothering her.....espcially not mike and tom. im gunna see her today, so thats good. ok, well im back on the phone. bye
|
|
| bad day turned better.... |
[22 Apr 2004|10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
naddddazzz |
] |
ok so, i did get terminated. i dont wanna leave but i have to. i saw brandi today after school. everything for the most part was cool. seeing her, makes me realize how much i really do love her. i do love her all the time, but i never thought she would be with me laying in my bed again. it really upset me when she said this could never work out ever. i want it to, i think it could too. i know she doesnt want a relationship when im at this new place. but i understand. i think things are going to get better tho. she is going to focus more on herself. thats what she needs. me as well. and we will be out around the same time. and hopefully together.
anyways, its guna be hard staying clean when im not in a program. wtf am i gunna do all day, im gunna start working out again, that should take sum time away.
im jus gunna keep myslef occupied, and see brandi everyday, that is if she wants to see me too. ite im out. for the nite.
|
|
| what could be worse |
[22 Apr 2004|02:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
ok, i got terminated....fukers. i duno whats going to happen. i cant even go to see brandi today cause she is seeing john. fuker. i hate this. my life officially sux. kill me now. i want to go out. my cell phone is 567 4798 if anyone wants to call me. bye. ill write later. i wanna make a meeting tonite. peace. oh yeh....seeing brandi, is kinda weird, in some way it kinda feels like were still going out. but i know were not. i love her. she made me a pic and it really was cool. she told me she loved me. i really think she meant it. i love her too. it really sux im not gunna be able to see her. i dont know if i am ever gunna see her again. thats it..kill me now
|
|
| umm...yeh |
[22 Apr 2004|10:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
noooooope |
] |
ok, it is 1200. i have my meeting at 2. i didnt get much sleep at all last nite. so much shit is on my mind. same shit that has been ya know, brandi and the program. i really have no idea whats gunna happen at this meeting. the more i think about it, the more i think they are gunna kik me out. hopefully, thats just me being negative. as for brandi.... i miss her. i want her back. i dont think thats gunna happen. i feel terrible about what happened that nite. if i cant get over it, how can she? i hurt her, physically. and i didnt mean to. i lose control when im in that state of mind i guess. im done with alcohol. it just brings me problems, and makes the problems worse. i wish she could forgive me and get over it. i know its so hard for her to. i told her i would never hit her. i didnt, but its basically the same shit. i know she has hurt me before. more emotionally, but i still want her back. y doesnt she want me back? i know that that kinda shit will never happen again. anyways yeh, i gotta go get ready and shit. im shaking. this isnt cool at all. its gunna be hard seeing brandi at the program today with her new buddies. but im gunna have to deal with it, thats life.
she still has all of me........
ill write when i know the verdict from the meeting.
|
|
| feel like shit |
[21 Apr 2004|08:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none.... |
] |
wow, ive been writing a lot today. anyways. yeh im really nervous about the meeting tomorrow. and whats even worse is that i care more about brandi than staying in the program. i rather be happy with her, then have another chance in the program. but i really dont think i am going to get any of that. its gunna be really hard to say goodbye. i dont wanna leave. especailly leave her. i really feel like going out and getting massively fucked up and hopefully i will forget the pain. i so much rather have physical pain than emotion pain. and rite now, its just emotion pain. if brandi would say to me, im gunna rock ur shit and then everything would be cool, i wouldnt hesitate. but it cant be like that. anyways.
tomorrows scarring me. there is no way im gunna be able to sleep. i really hope all goes well with all my problems, but that never happens. u cant bake the cake and eat it to. thats it. i mite write later.
~~~wish me luck.
|
|
| 20 questions |
[21 Apr 2004|07:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
1- why cant i be happy without you?
2- will we ever be able to get back together?
3- will she ever find someone better than me?
4- did i treat her rite?
5- Did i really make her happy?
6- why does she think i tried to hurt her?
7- did i get played?
8- whats going to happen with us?
9- does she really want me out of her life?
10- why is it so hard to accept?
11- why do i always make matters worse?
12- will we get to chill again before i go away? (if i do)
13- DOES SHE STILL LOVE ME?
14- why does she think im not the person i was, when we were together?
15- will she remember me?
16- what does her profile on aim mean?
17- does she miss me as much as i miss her?
18- will things be ok?
19- why does love = pain?
20- when will i die?
|
|
| i hate it |
[21 Apr 2004|06:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
with you.... |
] |
soo, today, brandi called me when she got home. she had done dustoff and fallen down the stairs. i felt so bad for her. so i came to her house to see if she was ok. she wasnt in good shape. and it sux my dad had to come in so we couldnt talk. i miss her tho. she was wearing one of the shirts i had given her. seeing her in pain makes me feel like shit. i put her in pain yesterday. i learned today, one of the reasons shes so mad and disgusted with me is that she thinks i intentionally hurt her. ok, i was drunk. but i do know that i didnt mean to hurt her. i really didnt. she doesnt believe me. i hope she will one day. another thing thats been on my mind is if shes pregnant. she said she would kill the baby if she was. because she doesnt want me in her life. that is so hard for me to swallow. i didnt think it would ever come down to her not wanting me in her life. it really uspets me. cause i know i will remember her forever. i think i will always love her. and i really just want the best for her. i think that i do treat her good if not the best, with excpetions to last nite. i know that it will never happen again. one because i will never chill wit her, and because i really do want to give up drinking. in one day it made my life so much worse. i would have been better off smoking a blunt. anyway yeh, i hate it. i hate the way my life is rite now. its going to be like this for a really long time, if not forever. well thats it for now, i know im gunna end up writing later.
and if brandi sees this........i really am truly sorry and i still love you.
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| life sux again |
[21 Apr 2004|10:46am] |
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the dryer... |
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soo yeh, im home...suspended. i need to go in tomorrow at 2 for a meeting to see if i am going to remain at the program. brandi hates me. it sux. i dont want her to hate me. i know i did sumthing wrong this time, but everyone makes mistakes. i dont hate her for things she has done. i just dont understand. w/e tho it doesnt really matter, i will prolly be sent away and never speak to her again. i dont want that to happen, but whatever happens happens. "to accept the things i cannot change"
420 had to be the worst day of my life. it plays over and over thro my head. i couldnt really sleep last nite. and rite now im bored to shit. i cant speak to brandi even when shes home. i cant go out. her parents hate me so much. which really makes me upset because im not the type of person they think i am. on the other hand, brandi knows how much i care about her. but it doesnt matter. she doesnt care anymore. i have no idea what im going to do today. well im going to go shower. i'll write later tonite.
GOD grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference
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| kill me now |
[20 Apr 2004|07:28pm] |
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wow, just when i thoguht the day couldnt get any worse...it did. yeh so i talked to brandi. and i mite have actually had another chance with her. after we talked i went out and drank. went to family. and damn....im such a dumb kid.
so i get there, staff knows i drank. all the kids know i drank. brandi is really mad at me that i ave done that and she is all buddy buddy with tom. so yeh we get into an arguement. she knees me, slaps me and spits in my face. i spit back...really dumb, i regret it beyond belief. calls me a pussy and blah blah we fite. then we stop. and she tells me to pop off. im not going to hit a girl. so i hit tom. one reason i hit him beacuse i know that she cheated on me with him. and because i just dont like the kid. they tell me to leave.
so rite now i am in a competley terrible situation. more than likely i am going to get kiked out of the program and go away. and whats even worse is brandi hates me. i totally fucked up any chance she mite have given me. i proved her point that i am so childish. and now i know that. i need to grow up. shes rite. but now i need to do it for myself, cause she def does not want me back. im sure she doesnt give 2 shits if i die.
i hate my life rite now. the day got 200 x worse than it already was. i feel like dying. but im a pussy and wont slice my wrists. i love brandi. she hates me. i disapointed her and disrespected her. i wish she could find forgiveness for me. i forgave her for all that she had done to me. but this is beyond it. i dont know whats going to happen with my life. all i know is, i want a new one. or i dont want one at all.
Kill Me Now
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